The semi-seminal Starbucks Rant

So, to anyone who knows me it is known that I think about weird things, or maybe I think about things weirdly. Either way, I think it’s sort of important, and I like thinking this way, perhaps because I have nothing to compare it to. In any case, right now I’m thinking about the fine establishment that prepared my coffee a few moments ago. It is not at all groundbreaking to say that Starbucks is a rather bizarre addition to Americana. Not to mention its meteoric rise from niche market to complete and utter ubiquity, essentially worldwide. This is strange for several reasons, the first of which being “who the hell though coffee could succeed as a pretentious, up-market, rich person’s medium?” How did coffee become a luxury product, and yet, in the same breath, become even more of a necessity in daily life? Say what you will about Starbucks (and I will say plenty) but they had an amazing marketing scheme. Now, Starbucks rise to power is probably most directly the result of the recent economic boom (by recent I mean last 25 years). So many people became rich or “well-off” so quickly, that they needed new avenues in which to experience what wealth and privilege affords a person. Thus, the 95 cent cup of coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts became the three dollar “Sumatra Roast” in partially recycled cups. For all anyone knew, DD’s could have been serving Sumatra the whole time, but by simply calling it “coffee” it became a pedestrian product. It should be noted that there has been a resurgence in appreciation for good old fashion coffee as both a backlash and complement to the luxury movement’s rise.
The three dollar coffee then became the latte, the mocha, the frappucino, the completely misnamed machiatto, and all other concoctions that have nothing at all to do with the morning jolt of caffeine. Now, of course, these products (at least the first two) have exists for ages in local, niche market coffee shops, but they used to have a bohemian quality to them. Now they’re pretentious, which is a pretty freaking weird shift in cultural attitudes. I should note that I myself am a snob and pretentious, but Starbucks has taken on a whole new dimension to it all. The first time I heard someone order a “Venti, lite, half-calf, caramel machitto with creme” I nearly had a stroke. I mean, I’m pretentious, but it’s coffee for god’s sake. I myself am drinking something pretty absurd, a medium (which the call grande, and it certainly doesn’t feel grand to me) espresso frappucino. Now, I am a hypocrite, this drink is ridiculous, and it barely classifies as coffee. On the other hand, it’s really just espresso, cold milk, and ice mixed up, not the crazy, flavored, lightened, heavied, creamed concoctions that look like smoothies (and basically are). I heard once that Starbucks was a place for people who normally make no decisions because it gives them an opportunity to make 6 at one time, and in the snootiest, most condescending way possible. This is a good point, but it still leaves me wondering a few things.
The most prevalent problem I have with this establishment is the sizes. Where to begin? A “tall” coffee cannot be the smallest available size. First of all, in almost all cases, “tall” is a relative term. That is, for one thing to be considered (and named) “tall” something else must be considered “short” or, at the very least, “less tall” or “taller”. What the hell was wrong with ordering a small coffee? Was it, like DD’s too pedestrian? And if so, why wasn’t their earlier, also pretentious “short” designation not good enough? I can only suspect it is because people ordering a small coffee, even if that is the size they want, feel somehow impotent or weak for not being able to handle more coffee. Starbucks instituted this change, but I’m reasonably certain it was America’s self-consciousness that created the need. The middle size is called “grande” which, again, is ridiculous. Again, what is it “grande” in respect to? There is a larger size, so shouldn’t it be “mediocre”? On top of that, it’s in Italian, as is the larger Venti size. Now, making sizes in another language is pretentious as hell, since, obviously, the rest of the menus and writing are in English, everyone speaks English, and this is an English speaking country (for now at least). This is the worst kind of pretension. It’s like the college students who insist on calling the southern Spanish city “Sevilla” complete with the “y” sound for the double L’s. If you’re talking about it in English, it’s Seville. That’s what’s on our maps isn’t it? Moscow is spelled in a different alphabet, as is Beijing, but we use approximations because our language doesn’t possess the same nuances, and that’s fine, it’s worked for years, but some people need to pretend to be smarter and more cultured to feel smart and cultured. This is both ironic and pathetic, it’s akin Madonna trying to tell people why she’s relevant, as that would be patently ridiculous and mildly insulting. But anyway, I can deal with the Italian sizes, or at least I could if they were all in Italian, but they’re not. “Tall” is still “tall” then it moves to “Grande” and this is about the most farcical thing in the whole establishment, enhanced by the fact that no one cares about it. No one, that is, but me. Like I said, I think about weird things.